i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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