Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
