I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
