My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
