found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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