I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
