I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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