I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
