just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
