So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
