bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
