Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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