She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
