So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
