last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
