like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
