nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
