My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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