I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
