On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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