u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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