guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
