I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize