between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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