i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
