My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Panties = found
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