The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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