I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
