What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
