I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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