Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
