My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
