if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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