Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
