highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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