there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
