Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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