his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
