In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize