Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
