having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
