i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
