The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
