90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
