My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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