hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
