He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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