I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
