You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
