DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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