just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
