If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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