They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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