So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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