Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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