It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
