she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I looked at my own cervix.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
