Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
