Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
