we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
