Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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