He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
