i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
