Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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