so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize