I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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